I consider myself to be a late bloomer. In biological terms, a late bloomer is someone who develops late physically; think your diminutive boy, or an underdeveloped teenage girl, who enter puberty later than their peers. When I reference being a late bloomer, I don’t mean biologically, but rather socially. A late bloomer in this sense is someone who comes into their own later in life. They blossom into the fullness of their personality, experiences, and self-expression later in life.
For me, the most difficult aspect of being a late bloomer has been this sense that I am behind. I think we often have this timeline in mind for when we think things are supposed to happen in life. Some of those timelines are arbitrary (One does not have to get married by 25), and some are real (Such as the biological clock). Ultimately, I have not felt fully experienced in all areas of my life. I’ve often felt like I’m in a game of catch-up, that the world is passing me by and I’ve missed something. Feeling like in some sense, I wasted a lot of fucking time. My academic and professional life have been full and busy by comparison. But socially, and in terms of my self-expression… Not as much.
I sublimated many aspects of my personality into academic pursuits and religious dogma/concerns. In some ways that was protective, but also binding.
Looking back, I would’ve tried to have more fun- join different groups, push myself to get out more, maybe even have gone to the dreaded club, LOL. I’m sure many people reading may say they don’t relate to this. Maybe you were always popular, outgoing, living a very experience-rich life. Maybe you peaked in high school (*snark), and you wonder what I’m going on about. I’m happy you had a good experience, but maybe this message is not directly for you. At 18, 25, even 35 years old, I would greatly loved to hear (and hopefully heeded) such a message from another (former) late bloomer: take a bold step and live your life. Be the bold version of yourself. Even if it’s a baby step-even if you’re feeling fearful. You’ll regret not doing so. And you don’t want to live in regret.
One of the greatest questions I have posed to myself, is do I have the will to deconstruct the self I built to become the person I really am? Can I tear down the fortress I built and use the bricks to build a more authentic and satisfied me? Resistance becomes almost inevitable when we want to make such changes. Pushing past the inertia of doing what you always have done is difficult. It also triggers anger around the choices you’ve made and the position that others’ placed you in. The hard part about learning you had the power to change your life is realizing it’s now on you to do so.
Ultimately, I realized that the salve had become the poison -that which sustained me has held me back and slowly damaged me. The fortress became prison. In terms of that question of my will, I am trying. Sometimes I am only trying to try. But I am also doing in many significant ways. My aim is to turn this thing around.
Time is not forever. There is no prize for rigid self-denial, waiting, being good, quiet, chaste. Especially if you’d also like to try being different. More open. But it’s not too late for us, though time moves in one direction. Better to get busy with living (h/t) rather than waste the time on the clock ruminating on how much time has passed, or where you’d rather have spent it. The time is now. Yes there is a reality that we may not have allotted our time in the best way and we may lament not having experienced life events “on time,“ but what is the better alternative to moving forward? In a sense, we late bloomers know the value of time better than anybody. I think the only thing better than having had what you wanted, is having what you want right now.
So I’m going to go fucking get it.
Lady Archer